“Please Don’t Say That” — How to Support Families After Their Baby Dies

Dear Friend,

If you’re here because someone you love is grieving the death of their baby, thank you for showing up. That first step—choosing not to turn away—is sacred.

But maybe now you're wondering: What do I say? What do I do?

You're not alone in asking that. As a bereavement doula, I often hear from families that the pain of losing their baby was made heavier by the well-meaning but deeply hurtful words of others, especially within Christian circles.

Our desire to comfort should never outweigh the need to simply hold space for sorrow. So today, I want to gently offer a few ways we can love these families better—with compassion, humility, and respect for their grief.

❌ What Not to Say

These phrases are often said with good intentions, but they can wound deeply:

“At least you know you can get pregnant.”

“God needed another angel.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“You’ll have another one.”

“It was probably for the best.”

“Be thankful it happened early.”

“Just have faith and move on.”

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

Each of these phrases can feel dismissive, minimizing, or even spiritually manipulative. They tend to shut down grief rather than sitting with it.

✅ What to Say Instead

Try words that validate the pain and acknowledge the depth of the loss:

“I’m so sorry your baby died.”

“I don’t have the right words, but I’m here.”

“Your baby’s life matters.”

“I’m praying for you and thinking of your baby by name.”

“You are still a mama, and your love is so real.”

“Tell me about your baby, if you’d like to share.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Silence, held with compassion, is often more powerful than words trying to make it better.

🧡 Let’s Talk About Christian Culture

Sometimes, in our attempt to reflect hope or show trust in God's plan, we bypass grief altogether. We quote Romans 8:28 without sitting in the ashes first. We’re uncomfortable with pain, so we cover it with positivity and spiritual cliches. But real biblical faith isn’t afraid of lament.

Even Jesus wept.

Even David cried out in despair.

Even Job tore his robe and sat in silence for seven days.

We don’t need to fix it. We need to be with people in it.

That’s what love looks like.

🌿 A Gentle Challenge

If you’re walking alongside someone grieving a baby, let their sorrow be safe with you. Don't rush them. Don't compare. Don’t make this about your own discomfort.

Instead, be present. Be still. Say their baby’s name. Let them cry. Let them not be okay.

If you’re grieving and someone’s words have hurt you—I'm sorry. You deserve to be seen and heard in your full experience. And if you’re trying to support someone grieving, thank you for showing up. May we all learn to be better holders of sacred space.

I'd love to hear your thoughts below—whether you're a grieving parent or someone who's struggled to know how to help. Let's keep the conversation open and honest. 💬

Follow me on Instagram @southern.grace.doula for continued support as we walk this sacred ground with grace and truth.